Doing a 180...

...in honor of my 180th post.

To do a one-eighty is to physically turn around and go back in the direction from which one came or to go back on a promise or statement.


I've done a lot of 180s in my life. Haven't we all?

How many times have I said, "I will never..." only to find myself doing exactly what I said I wouldn't? More times than I can count, especially since becoming a parent. I could feed a small country with the words I've eaten over the last 10 1/2 years.

180s come in many forms: serious, silly, sacred and sad. We have numerous points of radical change, some of them more meaningful and long-lasting than others.

Take repentance.

The Greek and Hebrew words for repentance also imply a turn around of thought and action. What could be more radical than that?

Nothing really.

Sometimes I think we forget what repentance really is. We want to say, "sorry," and go on our merry way without ever turning around... because we want to be forgiven, but we don't really want to stop. Sin in general is an addiction and like with any addiction, repentance means we are not only sorry, but we have also decided we want God more.

We want God more than the next juicy bit of gossip...
We want God more than the next little stroke to our ego...
We want God more than the next shot of vodka...
We want God more than the next cruel word that rolls off our tongue...
We want God more than the next cigarette, the next lie, the next warm body... the next anything and everything that separates us from Him.

Even if we slip and fall again, it's our desire for God that shows that we are more than just sorry. Because "sorry" doesn't fix it, but God does.

If we want to be fixed.

I'm struggling today to be truly repentant. I'm sorry that I've sinned and I've asked for forgiveness, but in the back of my mind I'm still planning the next time. I want to be sorry without having to stop. I want feel-good forgiveness while still indulging in sin.

I need a one-eighty.

Playing Hide & Seek

A few weeks ago while we were staying at my mom's house (107 degree weather and no a/c at home) my children started up a game of hide & seek.

I've been so busy lately - and so have they - that I haven't really had an opportunity to watch them play. And let's be honest... with four kids born within 4 1/2 years, it isn't very often that they can play together without some attempt at bodily harm.

It was a lovely afternoon and it was so nice to enjoy the fun part of being a mom, but it got me thinking... how often have I played hide & seek with God?

Sometimes it feels as though God has hidden Himself from me. I can't hear Him. I can't feel Him. He seems silent, aloof and uncaring. I know that isn't true, but it sure feels that way.

I've felt that way a lot lately. Where are You God?, I wonder.

Tell me Lord, why can't I see You? It hurts to feel alone and abandoned by God. Jesus Himself knew that. But are we really alone?

Psalm 13:1&2
1How long, O LORD ? Will you forget me forever?
How long will you hide your face from me?
2 How long must I wrestle with my thoughts
and every day have sorrow in my heart?
How long will my enemy triumph
over me?

But then I realize that even when it feels like God is hiding, I still need to seek Him. Sometimes the reason God is silent is so we will seek Him. It is the endurance and perseverance in the face of God's silence that builds our faith.

Lamentations 3:25 & 26
25 The LORD is good to those whose hope is in him,
to the one who seeks him;
26 it is good to wait quietly
for the salvation of the LORD.

Then there are those times when I foolishly try to hide from God. I'm angry, petulant, guilty... and I try to hide. Or I'm ashamed. Like Adam and Eve, I feel naked and want to hide from Him.

Sometimes my shame is justified - I've sinned and I know it, but I'm too stubborn to beg for forgiveness. Sometimes my shame is misplaced - old sins that have been long-forgiven that I still bring out to beat myself up with... or old abuses I can't let go that hinder my freedom in Christ.

But God knows.

Jeremiah 23:24
Can anyone hide in secret places
so that I cannot see him?"
declares the LORD.
"Do not I fill heaven and earth?"
declares the LORD.

It is in these times that God seeks us. He leaves the 99 sheep in the fold and hunts us down. He finds us, breaks our legs and carries us back where we belong. He brings us home. We are His treasure and He wants us, even when we stray. Even when we hide.

Psalm 119:176
I have strayed like a lost sheep.
Seek your servant, for I have not forgotten your commands.

There is a better way.

We can hide ourselves IN God. He can be the place we run to instead of the One we run from. He can be our shelter from the world and everything in it that tries to shake us.

It's hard for me to see Him that way. It shouldn't be, but sometimes it is. Even though I know better, it's hard to trust Him. I have "reasons" not to, and yet He's always there waiting. He understands my struggle. He understands my hurt.

And He shields me from it.

When I run to His arms and rest in them, that pain falls away. The shame, the hurt, the sin, the mistrust all pales in comparison to His measureless love for me. He has delivered me from my past, and seeks to turn my ashes into incomparable beauty.

Psalm 32:7
You are my hiding place;
you will protect me from trouble
and surround me with songs of deliverance.
Selah

Surrender...

***When I started writing this post a few days ago, I had no idea the direction it would take. Some of it might be... disturbing to you. I can only pray that you read to the end before judging me or I what I've said here.***

Surrender don' come natural to me. I'd rather fight You for somethin' I don't really want than take what You give that I need.....

I don't like giving in.

Giving in is weakness... those who can force you to give in, or ask you to give in, are cruel and want to see you suffer - because you're nothing. Insignificant. Worthless. Giving in means lying down and letting someone else take. Everyone who wants you to give in is trying to rape you in one way or another.

Even God.

That's right. That's how I saw God - as this all-powerful, all-present deity who wanted to pin me down and force something from me. And lest you think I was one of those poor, misguided "unchurched" souls who clearly didn't know any better...

I wasn't.

To paraphrase Paul: I was a Church Girl of church girls. (Philippians 3:4&5). I toed the line better than the best of them. I knew every answer, could memorize any verse and had the talk down perfect. I knew more about God than some pastors I know, and darn right I was proud of it.

I knew God loved me.

The boy who molested me for years in my baby-sitter's basement said he loved me too. Other people have loved and hurt me throughout the years. "Love" was meaningless. "Love" was pain and shame and a constant reminder of how pathetic I was.

Sure, God loved me. He wanted me to see how broken I was so that I would know how much I needed Him. He wanted me to hand myself over and let Him do whatever He wanted with me. All good things...

But not to me.

Somehow, in my desire to be in control and not give in - in my need to hold on to some part of myself that no one could take away - I warped who God is. I saw Him as a user and an abuser. When people would say, "God will use this," it wasn't a comfort. It wasn't something to rejoice in. It made me ache... made me bitter and angry and rebellious and defiant.

How dare God screw me over for His benefit!? How dare He try to break me? How dare He take anything from me? How dare He USE me!!??

Even after God met me on my dorm room floor and made me His, some small part of me felt as though I'd tried to fight Him off for as long as I could, but He was stronger. Again, a GOOD thing.

But not in the eyes of a victim. How insidious that lie is.

It has taken me years to work through the way I saw God... hard, broken, angry, lonely years. It has taken years to see God as He IS and not as Satan painted Him to be. I still have fleeting moments of panic when people say, "God will use this." I still have flashes of bitterness and defiance when someone says, "Surrender to Him."

I don't want to surrender. It don' come natural.

And maybe that's the point.

I had to come to a place of consent - a place where I could trust that I was yielding because I wanted to, not because it had been forced from me... and a place where I could trust that God wasn't looking to make me His victim. Maybe you think that road was easy, after all, He's a good God. I could tell you how painless and simple it was....

But I won't lie.
It's hard. It's scary. It's painful.

...and I've beat my head against so many walls, now I'm fallin' down, I'm fallin' on my knees...

And from this place of submission, I see a God who plans to prosper me, not to harm me... who plans to give me hope. And a future...

And peace.

So hold me, Jesus

'cause I'm shakin' like a leaf.

You have been King of my glory,

won't You be my Prince of peace?

(Rich Mullins)

Words that aren't said...

While the source is dubious (a semi-trashy romance author), one of my favorite quotes is:

Words are important... to everyone. When they aren't said, they leave holes.
~Nora Roberts

I recently wrote an e-mail to a friend with a similar subject line, because I had some things I couldn't leave unsaid. Her friendship is too important to leave holes.

Most of us, unfortunately, have holes left in our lives from words that weren't said:

• "I love you."


• "I'm sorry I hurt you."


• "I need you."


• "I'm proud of you."


• "I believe in you."


• "I forgive you."


• "Thank you."


• "God loves you."

And most of us, unfortunately, have left holes in the lives of others. Even though we know how empty and aching those holes are, most of us have left a trail of them behind us.

I have people I need to apologize to and people I need to forgive. I haven't done enough to let my children know I am proud of them and I don't always tell my friends how grateful I am that they're in my life. Worst of all, I've failed to share the Good News with people in my life who need to hear it.

Have you felt the pain of unsaid words? Have you left any unsaid? Whose holes most need filling and what can you do to fill them?
And while you chew on that for a while, here are the lyrics to a song by Steven Curtis Chapman:

Still Called Today
There a hole the size of a cruel word
In a wounded heart somewhere that's learning to hide the pain
There's a thorn stuck in the conscience of
Someone who spoke a word in anger
And they can't wash away the stain,
sorry's such a hard word to say

CHORUS
But while it's still called today, won't somebody make it right
Before the day slips into night and the moments waste away
While it is still called today, we've got to say the words
That are longing to be heard 'cause tomorrow may be too late
Go on and say what you need to say while it is still called today

There's a girl who's waiting day after day
To hear her daddy say "I love you," now the days have turned to years
There's a wall that silence has turned to stone
Between a man and woman, she's holding back the tears
And he's holding on to his fears

BRIDGE
Cause there's a time when the sun goes down
And the flowers are laid on the grave
Will the tears that fall to the ground
Be the tears of regret for the words someone didn't say

Quandries

I hope I didn't come off as bragging in my last post. I'm just so blown away that those girls were talking about me. I have a hard time seeing the positive in myself and those girls brought me to my knees in more ways than one.

Anyhoo.

Last week at work brought up some ethical and personal challenges (that is an understatement of epic proportions). In more and more workplaces it is becoming increasingly difficult in this world to balance our Christian values with the demands of our jobs.

It is far too easy to compromise in so many ways - sometimes we might be asked to do something illegal, and sometimes we might be asked to do something that is perfectly legal but horribly wrong. Sometimes we might be asked to do something that is, on the surface, neither but there's something niggling in the back of our mind that makes us uneasy. Sometimes the issue is black and white, and sometimes the lines are so nebulous that everything is grey.

Sometimes the issue has so many layers, and can be argued from so many angles that you don't know which way to turn.

And, while it's no excuse to violate our consciences, sometimes fear of losing our jobs in this economy overwhelms the cries of our spirit.

Have you ever faced an ethical quandry that threatened your job? Or had more shades of grey than black & white? How do you handle it when the situation is so unclear, or so complicated that there doesn't seem to be an easy answer?

All Buttoned Up

Last week was rough. The roughest I've had at work. EVER.

Every button that could be pushed was hammered - repeatedly. Then some of those same buttons got pushed in my personal life too. Every failing, every fear, every guilty feeling, every futile attempt to bury my hurts in all the wrong ways were shoved in my face.

And God showed me why.

One of my clients faced something heartbreaking and she turned to me because she thinks I am real - because she trusts me to care... because she knows I'm safe. She talked to me because she knew I wouldn't judge her, and knew I wouldn't try to brush her feelings under the carpet. And I thought... why me? What did I do to deserve her trust?

Another one of my clients graduated the program and she told me that no one else had ever told her it was ok to cry, or that she didn't have to be ashamed of her hurting. I told her once that she could take the power away from the people who have hurt her by using what she's been through to help others. She's decided that she's going to do whatever it takes to turn her life around so she can be a foster parent - so she can give children like her a home and be someone who shows them they are worthy of love... like I showed her. And I thought, is this me? Where did that come from?

I am humbled beyond words by these two girls. And when they saw me crying this week (different buttons), they both knew that they were more than just a job to me. And I thought, is this the why for my life? Is this when God redeems the years the locusts have eaten? Is this the moment when God shows me the good He's meant for me all along?

I'd have to say...
Yes.

Now, that isn't to say I didn't fall apart, or act a fool. That isn't to say that I handled it all well and in the most healthy way possible. And it isn't to say that I don't have miles to go on this journey. God will continue to challenge me - to press those buttons - until I give it all to Him.

And that's ok.
Because He has plans for me.

Letters to My First & Last

David,

My beloved gift from God.
You've been one miracle after another since you were born. Since before you were born. My tiny 2 pound baby with such old and wise eyes. Even when I was afraid I wouldn't get to see you grow up, I had so many dreams for you.

Yesterday, one of them came true. It was an honor and a privilege to watch you take those steps into the baptistry and make a public profession of faith. I know you were nervous about all those people watching you, but when the time came, you went boldly. That's who you are. You get nervous, you hang back, but when the time comes, you go boldly.

My prayer for you as you walk this journey of Christian faith is that you continue to go boldly. I also pray that you walk humbly. You have so many gifts that God can use for His Kingdom. Remember the One who gave them to you and honor Him with them. That's all He asks

"And what does the LORD require of you? To act justly and to love mercy and to walk humbly with your God." Micah 6:8

I love you,
Mom

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Sarah,

My little imp.

I love seeing that passionate delight sparkle in your eyes when you've found something you want to give your all to. I love how you commit and don't back down. And today, I love the committment you've made to our Savior.

You've thrown yourself into faith with as much fire and passion and delight as you possibly can, and you keep going. When you ran into Pastor Mark's office after he talked with David and said, "Paster Mark! Pastor Mark! I want to be a Christian too!" I felt my heart leap. When you told me later that you wanted to be baptized so people would know you are a Christian and you could tell them how much He loves them, I thanked God that He gave you to me. When you came home from school to tell me that you'd told one of the classroom bullies that you forgave him and Jesus could forgive him if he wanted, I was blown away.

I've learned so much from you about loving our God. You take the greatest commandment to heart:

"Love the LORD your God with all your heart, and with all your soul, and with all your strength." Deuteronomy 6:5

My prayer for you is that your passion never dims. Give Him your everything and people will see Him shining through you.

I am so proud of you,
Mom