Today I was driving down the road on the way to class rocking out to my favorite Christian station (air1) and this song came on the radio. Before I was even consciously listening to the lyrics I had tears pouring down my face...
I struggle every day with forgiving myself for sins that God has long ago forgiven, and I struggle even more wondering (though I know better) if I'm going to screw up so badly that God will decide I'm not worth the effort after all.
I know these thoughts are false and I'm slowly getting to the point where I can rebuke them before I let them tear me apart or lead me into self-destructive behavior. Tonight I was well on my way down one of those dark spirals until this song spoke to me.
The song is East to West by Casting Crowns off their new album The Altar & The Door. You can hear it for yourself here: http://www.castingcrowns.com/main.php just hit play in the upper left corner.
Here I am Lord and I’m drowning
in a sea of forgetfulness
The chains of yesterday surround me
I yearn for peace and rest
I don’t want to end up where You found me
And it echoes in my mind
Keeps me awake tonight
I know You’ve cast my sin as far
As the East is from the West
And I stand before You now
As though I’ve never sinned
But today I feel like I’m just one mistake away
From You leaving me this way
Jesus, can You show me just how far
the East is from the West?
Cause I can’t bear to see the man I’ve been
Rising up in me again
In the arms of Your mercy I find rest
You know just how far the East is from the West
From one scarred hand to the other
I start the day, the war begins
Endless reminding of my sin
And time and time again
Your truth is drowned out by the storm I’m in
Today I feel like I’m just one mistake away
From You leaving me this way
Jesus, can You show me just how far
the East is from the West?
Cause I can’t bear to see the man I’ve been
Come rising up in me again
In the arms of Your mercy I find rest
Cause You know just how far the East is from the West
From one scarred hand to the other
I know You’ve washed me white
Turned my darkness into light
I need Your peace to get me through
To get me through this night
I can’t live by what I feel
but by the truth Your word reveals
And I’m not holding onto You
But You’re holding onto me
You’re holding onto me
Jesus, You know just how far
the East is from the West
I don't have to see the man I’ve been
Come rising up in me again
In the arms of Your mercy I find rest
You know just how far the East is from the West
From one scarred hand to the other
Thank you Lord for Your servants who are willing to be Your hands, feet and voice and thank you for once again providing exactly what I need, when I need it. AMEN
Tuesday, July 17, 2007
Monday, July 16, 2007
The morning after...
Why did I put that out there? What was I thinking?
Those were my thoughts when I woke up the morning after my last post. There are some elements of my past that many fellow Christians could never look past and I've had my fill of condemnation.
Then I realized that if I took it back and removed or edited the post I would essentially be making a liar out of myself.... I said it was worth it, and IT IS. Besides there is NO condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus (Romans 8:1).
God allowed me to walk the path I have, for better or for worse, for His glory. Like every other Child of God, I have a role to play in His Kingdom. I take great comfort in the fact that God does not need me to further His plans, but He wants me. He chose me and purposed my life to work for good.
Lord Jesus,
I'm getting there. This process of trusting in You and especially in Your forgiveness has been such a difficult one thus far. Thank-you for a glimpse of the Big Picture and my part in it. Be my strength as I walk this road of healing and help my keep my eyes on You. AMEN.
Those were my thoughts when I woke up the morning after my last post. There are some elements of my past that many fellow Christians could never look past and I've had my fill of condemnation.
Then I realized that if I took it back and removed or edited the post I would essentially be making a liar out of myself.... I said it was worth it, and IT IS. Besides there is NO condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus (Romans 8:1).
God allowed me to walk the path I have, for better or for worse, for His glory. Like every other Child of God, I have a role to play in His Kingdom. I take great comfort in the fact that God does not need me to further His plans, but He wants me. He chose me and purposed my life to work for good.
Lord Jesus,
I'm getting there. This process of trusting in You and especially in Your forgiveness has been such a difficult one thus far. Thank-you for a glimpse of the Big Picture and my part in it. Be my strength as I walk this road of healing and help my keep my eyes on You. AMEN.
Thursday, July 12, 2007
What vs. Why
Most of us, when we experience some sort of tragedy, find ourselves asking God why. Why do we deserve this? Why now? Why ME?
What if we aren't meant to have an answer?...
What if the answer lies in a different question we should be asking God?...
What if we are intended to ask, "What can I learn from this?"...
What if the life lessons we gain from difficult experiences ARE the "why"?
I have to admit, it is a near-daily struggle for me to ask God what I can learn from any given situation. I want to wallow in the self-pity, I want to demand better treatment, I want to feel as though I somehow have the right to be immune from suffering. But we don't - and shouldn't - always get what we want.
I've heard it said that God does not call the equipped, He equips the called. What if being sexually abused as a child, making selfish choices, burying a child, delivering a baby 12 weeks early, losing my daddy to cancer, being abused by my husband and watching my marriage crumble into tiny little pieces are all a part of that equipping?
What if each heartache is 100 times more valuable than each counseling course, Bible study and theology class I ever take?
Is it enough that being a survivor of childhood trauma or domestic violence may give me a voice to speak to someone who might not listen to anyone else? Is it enough that standing beside my daddy as he stepped out of this world and into heaven may provide me with a compelling reason for the hope that I have? Is it enough that making the fatal choice of abortion as a teenager or burying a child I never got to hold or standing by as my 2 pound baby struggled for each and every breath may allow me to speak for the unborn with conviction and compassion?
Is it enough to know that my experiences may make me uniquely suited to walk along side someone as they answer the Holy Spirit's call and come to faith in Christ?
Is it enough?
Yes, Lord, yes!
I may not always feel it, but I know in my heart that being used by God makes everything worth it.
What if we aren't meant to have an answer?...
What if the answer lies in a different question we should be asking God?...
What if we are intended to ask, "What can I learn from this?"...
What if the life lessons we gain from difficult experiences ARE the "why"?
I have to admit, it is a near-daily struggle for me to ask God what I can learn from any given situation. I want to wallow in the self-pity, I want to demand better treatment, I want to feel as though I somehow have the right to be immune from suffering. But we don't - and shouldn't - always get what we want.
I've heard it said that God does not call the equipped, He equips the called. What if being sexually abused as a child, making selfish choices, burying a child, delivering a baby 12 weeks early, losing my daddy to cancer, being abused by my husband and watching my marriage crumble into tiny little pieces are all a part of that equipping?
What if each heartache is 100 times more valuable than each counseling course, Bible study and theology class I ever take?
Is it enough that being a survivor of childhood trauma or domestic violence may give me a voice to speak to someone who might not listen to anyone else? Is it enough that standing beside my daddy as he stepped out of this world and into heaven may provide me with a compelling reason for the hope that I have? Is it enough that making the fatal choice of abortion as a teenager or burying a child I never got to hold or standing by as my 2 pound baby struggled for each and every breath may allow me to speak for the unborn with conviction and compassion?
Is it enough to know that my experiences may make me uniquely suited to walk along side someone as they answer the Holy Spirit's call and come to faith in Christ?
Is it enough?
Yes, Lord, yes!
I may not always feel it, but I know in my heart that being used by God makes everything worth it.
Sunday, July 8, 2007
It hurts...
And I sinned in venting it. Sorry to all who read. As you can see the post has been removed.
People are talking about me and its ugly and I hate it, but I guess I became the person I didn't want to be by venting about it, even anonymously.
So anyway... I am sorry.
People are talking about me and its ugly and I hate it, but I guess I became the person I didn't want to be by venting about it, even anonymously.
So anyway... I am sorry.
Friday, July 6, 2007
T-minus 162 Days & Counting!!!
After a decade-long hiatus from persuing my college dream,
I am graduating in 162 days
(give or take a few hours!!! =)
Eleven years ago I felt God's call to go into Christian ministry/counseling and for a couple years I went along with it... Then I walked away from it because I wanted to be married more than I wanted to follow God. Going into this field meant I would have to go to Nineveh (going through counseling and facing my past). I did NOT want to do this so I boarded the first ship to Tarshish (the East Coast and my husband) and wound up in the belly of the whale (trial after trial) until God finally had the whale spit me out as a disgusting blob of regurgitated whale lunch a year and a half ago.
Now I'm in an accelerated degree program for my B.S. in Human Development and I graduate in December. I've come full circle and ended up right back in Nineveh where God wanted me in the first place. In fact, the two seminaries I was looking at for my grad work in Christian counseling the first time around are the front-runners for me this time around as well.
I have so much character work to do to get ready to answer this call from God, and I am more of a mess than when I started 11 years ago (you know, regurgitated whale lunch and all). But I guess that's the cost of running away from God rather than toward Him.
Now I'm in the middle of a healthy dose of Holy scrubbing and it hurts like the dickens but I like the person who's appearing out from underneath all the gunk.
Dear Lord,
I've related so well to Jonah throughout my life, please let this moment be where the similarities end. Give me a grateful heart instead of a begrudging one and help me face Nineveh with joy and willingness. Thank you for being a God of second chances and giving me the opportunity to walk this road again even though I once ran from it. AMEN.
I am graduating in 162 days
(give or take a few hours!!! =)
Eleven years ago I felt God's call to go into Christian ministry/counseling and for a couple years I went along with it... Then I walked away from it because I wanted to be married more than I wanted to follow God. Going into this field meant I would have to go to Nineveh (going through counseling and facing my past). I did NOT want to do this so I boarded the first ship to Tarshish (the East Coast and my husband) and wound up in the belly of the whale (trial after trial) until God finally had the whale spit me out as a disgusting blob of regurgitated whale lunch a year and a half ago.
Now I'm in an accelerated degree program for my B.S. in Human Development and I graduate in December. I've come full circle and ended up right back in Nineveh where God wanted me in the first place. In fact, the two seminaries I was looking at for my grad work in Christian counseling the first time around are the front-runners for me this time around as well.
I have so much character work to do to get ready to answer this call from God, and I am more of a mess than when I started 11 years ago (you know, regurgitated whale lunch and all). But I guess that's the cost of running away from God rather than toward Him.
Now I'm in the middle of a healthy dose of Holy scrubbing and it hurts like the dickens but I like the person who's appearing out from underneath all the gunk.
Dear Lord,
I've related so well to Jonah throughout my life, please let this moment be where the similarities end. Give me a grateful heart instead of a begrudging one and help me face Nineveh with joy and willingness. Thank you for being a God of second chances and giving me the opportunity to walk this road again even though I once ran from it. AMEN.
Tuesday, July 3, 2007
Fear & Freedom
Fear is a powerful thing. Sometimes it paralyzes us in the face of overwhelming circumstances. Sometimes it propels us to safety. Sometimes it pushes us to our knees before a Holy God.
Paul tells us that as Christians, we are not given a spirit of fear, but one of sonship. (Rom. 8:15) And typically, Christians assume that it means that fear is sinful and a sign of faithlessness.
Not so!
To be more precise, in the NIV, Paul tells us that we did not receive a spirit that makes us slaves again to fear. It is the slavery bit that is significant. A slave is, among other things, someone "entirely dominated by some influence or person."
There is only One thing that should dominate our lives, and He is a jealous God. He will not share his place with anyone or anything; including fear.
Fear guides us and directs us. It can point us toward safety and can point us toward God. It can lead us to options we might not otherwise consider.
However, we cannot let it rule us. It should compel us to seek God's will rather than run from it.
I didn't realize until recently how much I allow fear to rule my life. I don't say things that need to be said because I am afraid I'll make someone mad. I don't do things that need to be done because I am afraid of failure. I don't allow myself to truly heal from my past because I'm afraid of the unknown.
What a tragedy. I have the most powerful Being in the universe on my side and I choose not to do what I know is right because I am afraid.
Dear Lord, too often I let fear master my life and guide my steps. Help me remember I can do all things through Christ, who strengthens me. Thank you for your Word, which reminds me I am free and only You can Master me. Amen.
Paul tells us that as Christians, we are not given a spirit of fear, but one of sonship. (Rom. 8:15) And typically, Christians assume that it means that fear is sinful and a sign of faithlessness.
Not so!
To be more precise, in the NIV, Paul tells us that we did not receive a spirit that makes us slaves again to fear. It is the slavery bit that is significant. A slave is, among other things, someone "entirely dominated by some influence or person."
There is only One thing that should dominate our lives, and He is a jealous God. He will not share his place with anyone or anything; including fear.
Fear guides us and directs us. It can point us toward safety and can point us toward God. It can lead us to options we might not otherwise consider.
However, we cannot let it rule us. It should compel us to seek God's will rather than run from it.
I didn't realize until recently how much I allow fear to rule my life. I don't say things that need to be said because I am afraid I'll make someone mad. I don't do things that need to be done because I am afraid of failure. I don't allow myself to truly heal from my past because I'm afraid of the unknown.
What a tragedy. I have the most powerful Being in the universe on my side and I choose not to do what I know is right because I am afraid.
Dear Lord, too often I let fear master my life and guide my steps. Help me remember I can do all things through Christ, who strengthens me. Thank you for your Word, which reminds me I am free and only You can Master me. Amen.
Sunday, July 1, 2007
A Soapbox...
Every year over one and a half million women face abuse at the hands of their domestic partner. One in five will experience domestic violence at some point in her life. A third of all women will experience verbal abuse. Maybe you're thinking "that's so sad, but it doesn't happen in my community and certainly not in my church."
Think again.
Take a moment and look around you in church next Sunday. Someone you know, love and consider a sister in Christ might go home with a man who hurts her. She may be cursed at, threatened, raped or beaten by someone who sits in the same pew, sings the same hymns and reads the same Bible as you do. Look around and see the faces of the abused, and the abusers.
I was one of those faces.
Not only did my church not help me, they condemned me for being a victim. Obviously I needed to submit more. Obviously I needed to pray harder. Obviously I needed to be a better housekeeper, wife, mother, etc. Obviously there was some kind of sin in my life that was leading God to punish me through my husband. Obviously... NOT.
If you're reading this right now and you're in a violent relationship, let me make this very clear:
There is NOTHING you did to cause this.
You do NOT deserve it.
It is NOT God's plan for marriage.
Dear one, you are a precious and beloved Child of God and He weeps for you. Get help. Please.
If you are reading this right now and you think it could never happen in your church, among your friends, let me make this very clear:
Statistics say you're wrong.
Domestic violence is not confined to the poor, the addicted or the unchurched. It is not confined to those who are not saved. There are genuinely-Christian men who beat their wives.
Thankfully, God eventually led me to a church family that was willing to see my pain and do something about it. Not everyone is so blessed. There are more churches like my first than there are like my second and the Christian community should be ashamed.
We must call sin a sin and we must be willing to take a stand. We sit in our homes and our pews and pretend that domestic violence isn’t our problem. The reason Christian men continue to abuse and degrade their spouses is because we allow them to.
Unless we are willing to be a voice for the helpless within our own Body, it is impossible for us to be a voice for the helpless in the world.
If you want more information about how you can help, or if you are in a violent situation and don't know where to turn let me know. I don't have all the answers, but I can point you toward people who do.
Think again.
Take a moment and look around you in church next Sunday. Someone you know, love and consider a sister in Christ might go home with a man who hurts her. She may be cursed at, threatened, raped or beaten by someone who sits in the same pew, sings the same hymns and reads the same Bible as you do. Look around and see the faces of the abused, and the abusers.
I was one of those faces.
Not only did my church not help me, they condemned me for being a victim. Obviously I needed to submit more. Obviously I needed to pray harder. Obviously I needed to be a better housekeeper, wife, mother, etc. Obviously there was some kind of sin in my life that was leading God to punish me through my husband. Obviously... NOT.
If you're reading this right now and you're in a violent relationship, let me make this very clear:
There is NOTHING you did to cause this.
You do NOT deserve it.
It is NOT God's plan for marriage.
Dear one, you are a precious and beloved Child of God and He weeps for you. Get help. Please.
If you are reading this right now and you think it could never happen in your church, among your friends, let me make this very clear:
Statistics say you're wrong.
Domestic violence is not confined to the poor, the addicted or the unchurched. It is not confined to those who are not saved. There are genuinely-Christian men who beat their wives.
Thankfully, God eventually led me to a church family that was willing to see my pain and do something about it. Not everyone is so blessed. There are more churches like my first than there are like my second and the Christian community should be ashamed.
We must call sin a sin and we must be willing to take a stand. We sit in our homes and our pews and pretend that domestic violence isn’t our problem. The reason Christian men continue to abuse and degrade their spouses is because we allow them to.
Unless we are willing to be a voice for the helpless within our own Body, it is impossible for us to be a voice for the helpless in the world.
If you want more information about how you can help, or if you are in a violent situation and don't know where to turn let me know. I don't have all the answers, but I can point you toward people who do.
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